Laundry. Jiggling. Feeding. Wiping. Standing at the counter with lunch in one hand and baby in the other, whistling The Itsy Bitsy Spider.
Each day fills me up, makes me feel busy. It’s because I don’t stop. But there’s not much nutrition there, not much substance. Not much to invigorate body or mind. The evening finds me overwhelmed and bloated, brain filled up to the brim and yet completely empty.
Ask me how the day was. I wouldn't know what to say. I could tell you about how I’ve decided that President’s Choice laundry detergent is just as good as Tide. But then I’d have to hear myself say that out loud. And that would just be depressing, wouldn’t it?
I don’t mind being a stay-at-home mom, but then the word ‘housewife’ comes into mind and makes me feel pinched and lonely. Like I should start clipping coupons. Or spend an afternoon rearranging the bookshelf again.
I’ve finally agreed we should sell the kayaks. Another door closing, at least for now — a door that led to our old west coast life. So many memories. Paddling a white sand beach on Thormanby Island at midnight while hundreds of fish darted underneath us, lit up like fireworks by the phosphorescents. Or that time a sea otter, a rare thing to see, floated leisurely past me on his back, gorging on a pile of mussels perched on his belly. All the times we had to fight our way out of some rough channel, working against tide, wind and swell, while the bows of our boats crashed down with every wave. The beer at the end of those paddles always felt so cold, so deserved.
Back then, even the most random weekends offered so much adventure. Now, I have our son, who makes me laugh and feel so grateful. And we're here in Nova Scotia again, which is starting to feel a little more like home rather than just where we're from.
I’m not unhappy. In Vancouver I dreamed of a little maritime house with a woodstove, a rosy-cheeked baby and a pie in the oven. Now, all I can think of are mountains, my career, 80s night at Shine and the financial freedom to be completely irresponsible any time I want. It's only fitting.