For sale, cheap: One 3 year-old boy, not housebroken. Special this week only: 25% off due to argumentative defects. Does not come when called. Talks back. Does not eat. Refuses to blow nose, preferring instead to snort snot into the back of his throat at least fifteen times per minute. Smells like crotch. Whines incessantly. Ability to vomit at will.
Also this week: 75% off one worn out, ineffective, unwashed, self-loathing, androgynous half-woman, half-rottweiler blend. Comes with door-slamming prowess, relentless abdominal pooch and complimentary nightmares.
PLEASE BE NOTIFIED the fire sale of aformentioned small boy and growling she-dog has been retracted due to temporary relief as provided by: 1) one medicinal ‘It-Was-Staring-At-Me-Longingly-When-I-Opened-The-Fridge- Seeking-Carrot-Sticks’ Sleeman’s Honey Lager; 2) two hours of comfortably toddler-numbing SellMySoul-o-vision; and 3) one hour-long “family adventure” on sheets of near-rink ice in a torrential freezing rain downpour.
Duly noted: therapeutic alcohol WORKS.